I have lived with pain for a long time.
Through college, grad school, and several years of my career, I pushed through massive amounts of pain everyday in the practice room and concert hall. I assumed everyone around me was in as much pain as I was. I taught my flute students to look for the signs of pain in the practice room while I ignored my own. Always pushing forward.
Over the years, I saw countless doctors searching for answers. I was told the symptoms I experienced on a regular basis were normal. I was told it was all just anxiety. That it was all in my head.
So I found little ways to mend my aching self at the end of the work day, accepting what I had been told as reality and soaking my hands in warm water with Epsom salt, taking baths, stretching, alternating heat and ice, and relying on ibuprofen. There was a time when all of this was enough.
To make matters more complicated, I saw tremendous growth in my playing during this time. While I got better at the flute, I refused to acknowledge the correlation of pain and musical growth.
I was convinced this was a sacrifice necessary to be a great musician.
There was only one direction I could go from there…
In 2017, things got harder for me as I continued down this path. My life eventually became all about my seemingly deteriorating health and my self care strategies were no longer enough. I was spiraling out of control and had hit a wall in my playing. Everyday tasks caused blinding pain, sending me back to my bed, heating pad, and ibuprofen.
Cramping, sharp stabbing pains, aching joints, constant pain.
Gigs became tremendous feats. The idea of traveling for upcoming auditions seemed like a pipe dream. Food sensitivities triggered nausea and pain with no traceable pattern. I wondered if it was safe to drive being in so much pain. Snug fitting waistlines became intolerable. I needed 15 hours of sleep per night. The sudden onset of a flare caused anxiety, fear, and depression.
I felt broken, yet had been told there was nothing wrong with me.
My story is unfortunately too common. Countless patients experience dismissal of their symptoms from their doctors, going through years of symptoms and self doubt and even more years before finding relief. With or without a diagnosis on the table, countless musicians have also made the same mistakes I have, hoping that their hard work and sacrifices will pay off eventually.
I can’t take back the past few years of my life and how I handled the difficult journey to finally receiving my diagnosis. But I can leave you with a few bits of wisdom I picked up along the way.
Indulge in a little self care for yourself AND for your artistry.
You know yourself best.
Knowledge is power, so study up.
Push for answers and advocate for better care.
And most importantly, don’t settle for any less.
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Thank you for reading part I of My Story! Wishing you pain free, musical days always! 🎶
Sincerely,
