Have you ever felt like you were stuck on the sideline of your own life?
I have.
In the two years following my diagnosis and first two surgeries, I tried my best to resume a sense of normalcy while trying to figure out what came next.
Balancing my chronic illness life and what I thought was my actual life continued to be a struggle. I watched opportunities pass me by while I tried desperately to hang onto what I already achieved.
I mostly tried to appear well and positive, but this was an image I struggled to uphold. If I seemed okay, it meant I probably was okay, right?
It’s important to note that appearing okay was more for other people than for myself.
But in the meantime, my day to day physical mood swings took a toll on my body and mind in ways that were difficult to communicate and I felt very much isolated and alone.
Here are some of the other things I was covering up and therefore, minimizing during this time:
My health was all-consuming and I seldom thought about other things
My professional goals started to feel like pipe dreams that wouldn't and couldn’t go anywhere
Everyday tasks were painful and came at a high energy cost
I was pouring from an empty cup and didn’t have the energy for optimism
Overwhelming feelings of confusion and conflict over choosing the career that was best for all of my soul vs. the career that was best for my health
The confusion that came with sometimes feeling capable of anything and other times feeling incapable of everything
In my fiery moments of strength, stubbornness, and sheer determination, I needed to prove to myself that I am not my illnesses.
So I took 2 job auditions between my July 2018 and my September 2018 surgeries.
The experience of being able to get back on my feet with flute for a few weeks before having it ripped away from me again was difficult and painful. I felt as if I had been living in a fantasy world steeped in denial about my situation, but it was also undeniably exhilarating to put my dreams and aspirations first again.
Though I did not walk away from those auditions with a job, I felt like I won something more important during that time…the power in remembering who I was.
It has taken me a l o n g time to realize that I am not my illnesses.
I will also say that knowing I am not my illnesses and truly believing it are two very different things.
I knew that I wasn’t my illnesses, but I didn’t know that. Side-note: Do I even know that now❓
This is something I have to work at every single day. And let me tell you, it is not always simple or easy. Some days I absolutely do feel like I am defined by my illnesses and have to work harder to prove to myself that it is simply not true.
In reflection of all the work I have done in this area, today, I will leave you with three questions to consider:
1️⃣ What makes YOU feel like yourself?
2️⃣ How are you nurturing your relationship with yourself?
3️⃣ What tangible evidence do YOU need to know you are NOT defined by your weaknesses, but by your strength and resilience?
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Thank you for reading part VI of My Story! Wishing you pain free, musical days always! 🎶
Sincerely,
